We Are One Body

+Praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever.

There are times when I feel such love for the Church that I don't know why I ever left.

I just spent my Saturday night on clean-up duty for the annual priest appreciation dinner held at the parish I've been attending. Now as a medical student, I have a pretty lame social life - so I wasn't passing up anything besides anatomy reading. But even so, I'd rather spend a Saturday night in the heart of the Church than in a bar or a club, or even in my own house watching old episodes of Frasier on Netflix (the source of so many, many wasted hours in my life...)

I don't know exactly what it is about tonight that made me so happy. Part of it was seeing so many priests from all over the diocese gathered together for a night that was solely to say thank you for their lives of service. Part of it was the joy so evident in the parishioners staffing the kitchen. Part of it, maybe, was the home-cooked Italian food we got to help ourselves to... ;-)

More than anything else, though, I think it's just the feeling of dwelling deep in the heart of the Church - of belonging to a Body that is made up of mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers - of being connected to other people in a way that nothing else in this world can offer.

One of the reasons I am drawn to the RSMs is their great love for the Church. They strive to live as daughters of the Church in every aspect of their lives, and use all of their gifts - personal, professional, and spiritual - to serve her. When I am with them, I feel so deeply rooted in the Body of Christ.

As I was driving over to the dinner tonight, I was thinking about this video clip of Sr. Mara, RSM, speaking with such love for priests:

What it's all about

Currently at the airport, waiting to board my flight home for Thanksgiving. One of my classmates generously gave me and two others a ride to the airport after class today. It got me here about 5 hours early, but at least it got me here! As we were driving here, I was realizing how blessed I am to have so many good things in my life here at school. This is something I wanted when I was younger - science, medicine, and research.

Yet - what I've always wanted more is You, Lord. Science was just a way to know You - just a way to ask Your creation the questions I wanted to ask You. (A beautiful moment in Physical Diagnosis class this week reminded me of that -  What's the uvula for? one of my classmates asks in the middle of the head and neck exam. Our facilitator shrugs and says with a smile, When we get to Heaven, we'll have to ask)

Sometimes it gives me pause, realizing how blessed I am here. A great school. A great Newman Center. A great parish. If these things are so good, how can the Lord be calling me to something else? I've always thought that the only reason to leave someplace was because there was something wrong there. When I was younger and felt unhappy with my life, I used to concoct all sorts of plans to go elsewhere...find a new major, a new school, a new job. I always thought that getting away and starting new would make everything better. But what I'm doing now is fundamentally different. I'm not running away from anything...I'm freely choosing to sacrifice one good thing for something better. What freedom there is in that! It's all because of You, Jesus. Nothing I do means anything without You.

Even so, doubts and temptations come in many forms right now. One little thought about what my family might say to this decision and I spiral into a sea of doubt. Suddenly I'm sure that this is all a mistake. One little disdainful comment from a classmate about the Church's teachings about contraception and I spiral into a sea of despair. Suddenly I'm sure that we are fighting a losing battle against this culture.

Lord Jesus, please protect me from my weakness. Please make up what is lacking in me. Blessed Mother, please wrap me in your mantle - please show me how to empty myself that I might be filled with grace. Please show me how to become a bride for your Son!

When I am feeling particularly weak, I listen to this song and remember that in my weakness, He is strong. None of this vocation is about me - all of it about Him.

Retreat

+ Praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever.

This week I am making the "Busy Student Retreat" at school. Four days of spiritual direction and four nights of common prayer. Confession on Wednesday. Thank You, Lord, for this time to be alone with You in the midst of busyness.

The campus minister read this poem at the end of our closing prayer tonight, which I love:

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life... 

So I know the poem is maybe about "loving your true self", but it always makes me think of Christ. Because Christ is the One Who has loved me all my life. He is the One in Whom my true self is found. He is the One Who offers me His very Self in bread and wine, and who invites me to give Him back my heart, which has always been His, even when I wandered in darkness.

The question I am praying with during this retreat is how to live out the next nine months in faithfulness to the Lord and to my vocation. How to live with a spirit of joyful anticipation and prayerful preparation. How to prepare the wedding chest I will take with me to Alma - how to fill it with humility and devotion and love for the Lord. How to minister to those here with me now - my classmates, my professors, my patients, my friends. How to love my family more and more, and to let them struggle with this decision. How to trust in the One Who will be my Spouse (oh Lord - how utterly unworthy I am of that) that nothing is wasted, and nothing can keep us from His love.

Not even my own pride and selfishness could keep me away, Jesus. Your love is too powerful for that. You have won my heart - I wish to be Yours for all eternity.

A little more real

So today I open up my email, and there is a message from Mother MP, with postulant information forms! Immediate joy and excitement shot through my body. It's only been a week of waiting, but somehow it seems so much longer ;)

Oh, Jesus, but fear and weakness overtake me. Who am I to be considering this? What, even, is it that I'm considering? It all seems so unreal.

Everything at school is about the next step. There are emails about summer research assignments and registering for my next bioethics class. Meetings about residency applications. Studying for boards. Talking about When We Are Doctors.

Jesus, I know that I cannot do this without You. I am so afraid that this is all me. That this is all some crazy thing I've made up in my head. Me? Be a sister?

But Mother said that the Sisters felt that I was called there. And what I felt from You there, Jesus - it is goodness beyond words.

My practical side is kicking in, of course, hoping to compensate. I filled out what I could of the forms. Need to schedule a physical and eye exam. Get baptismal records, etc. All those recommendations. Arrange for a psych consult. Gather all the things I'll need to take with me. Have that conversation with my family...

Aaaand in the meantime, stay afloat in school. Live in the present moment. Bless the Lord.

Remember sitting with the postulants at lunch. They're just regular girls like me. They did all of this - surely I can too.

Impatience

So this is crazy, yes? I haven't even received a reply yet from Mother Mary Patricia, and I made myself a Countdown Clock for August 1, 2012. Only 272 days to go...

Lord, may Your will be done.

This is still a good place, and these are still good people. Please help me to remember that I made the choice to come to medical school. Regardless of my reasons, it was still my choice. I still have a commitment to my classmates and professors for the rest of this year.

Lord, please help me to live out the little virtues, that I might serve You in small things each and every day. Teach me humility, kindness, simplicity, patience, trust, gentleness, courtesy, and forbearance.

While I'm Waiting

I sent my letter to Mother Mary Patricia yesterday morning, dropped it off in the mailbox at the corner of Cedar. And now there is waiting. Waiting for her reply and the postulant information packet, for the list of what I will need to bring with me. But also, waiting for August. There is an entire school year to get through - 9 months of days and nights, of doubts and temptations. I know the Sisters are praying for me, and that helps. Please, Jesus, keep me close to You.

But while I'm waiting, Lord, I wish to serve You. I wish to bless Your Name with every fiber of my being. I wish to praise You for all that You have done for me, to be a light here and now, to love those whom You have given me to love.

When I first started discerning religious life (April/May 2009, far too soon after my reversion to the Church), I kept an online journal on a Christian website. I just remembered it in the past week or so, as I was getting ready to speak with Mother Mary Patricia. It's so strange, funny, embarrassing, humbling, to read through those old journal entries, to see my record of the path that God has led me on these past two and a half years.

And oh, what a long and winding road it has been! Only the Lord could have led me out of the wilderness I was lost in then - that wilderness of secular politics, postmodern ideologies, identity crises, hedonism and despair. Only He could have reclaimed the truth of who He created me to be out of all the darkness of our fallen world.

I thought I needed to have all the answers right away...and discernment quickly became just another part of my post-college identity crisis, just another way that I was trying to figure out that all important thing, What To Do With My Life. I should have been listening for Your voice, Jesus - but I hardly knew You. I could only hear You faintly, what with the cacophony of other voices ringing in my ears. Yet even in that poor beginning I was making, You were leading me home to You.

Something I wrote on May 3, 2009, in a brief moment of clarity:

What I felt last night, Lord - that sense of needing to give up control in my life to You; to let go of my best laid plans, of my attachments to praise and honors, to academic achievement and proofs of intelligence; to the empty charades of my self-definition - that, Lord, I cannot turn my face from.

But if I need more time before I can enter religious life - if I need more time to know You and Your Church, to put down my pride and my intellect and my doubts and my preconceptions, to put down mind and will - it is alright, because this path is leading me to You.

And I can still try, Lord, to put down the things that keep me from You, even while living as I am in the world. I can try to put down pride, and seek education because it will help me to minister to Your people, not for my own praise or honor or self-satisfaction. I can try to put down control, and seek the counsel of others with more wisdom than I; seek spiritual direction; let Your Spirit guide my feet, rather than my own plans and goals and desires. I can try to put down selfishness and fear, and live to serve others and to seek You.

I can try, Lord, to start giving my life to You; to start making my life a witness to Your Truth and Light. A light shines in the darkness, Lord, and the darkness has not overcome it. But we must be light for the world and salt for the earth. We are Your only hands here on Earth, Lord. We are Your only feet. We must be Your beating heart, Sacred and overflowing with Love for all the world, for all Your glorious Creation. 

What can I give You, Lord, besides my life?

It's still true...what can I give You, Lord, besides my life?

Thank You for reminding me of my weakness, my brokenness, my utter helplessness without You. I am still filled with pride, still like to believe that I can do things all on my own. But what I felt in Alma, Lord, was the truth that I have done nothing to deserve the great gift of this vocation. I am not called because I am oh so spiritual or intuitive or kind or compassionate or so in touch with You (all those things I have believed of myself, Lord). No! I am called only by Your grace. I am saved only by Your grace. I have life and love only by Your grace. I trust that You will continue to teach me this truth, Lord Jesus.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Blessed be Your Name!

Lord, You are so good. I am overwhelmed and exhausted right now, but so happy and excited. Please give me the words to speak, to tell all that You have done for me to lead me to this moment.

And please Lord, above all else, let Your will be done.