Monday, September 26, 2011
Being realistic
So the ND's are out for me. Thank You, Jesus, for the swift and kind response from the Vocation Director - it helps to know what is and is not a true possibility. I am most restless when I imagine that there are so many other places I could be rather than here.
1 day down...5 years to go
So, I've made it through my first day of "real" medical school. Started off with Anatomy lab at 8 am. Saw some prosections of the thoracic cavity and held some pig hearts (Lord, You are amazing...how truly fearfully and wonderfully each one of our bodies in made). Then PBL with a case on congestive heart failure. Then back home by 12:15! A truly welcome change from the summer months.
Even so...the novelty of it all is fading, after only a few hours. Sometimes my classmates' enthusiasm for all this stuff bugs me, but that's just because I can't summon up the same enthusiasm. I don't really want to be learning about cardiac physiology. I hate to be negative, but it takes monumental effort to feign interest in what I'd rather not be doing.
I feel drawn to be with people in the hard times of life...the elderly patient dying of cancer. The parents of a child who will live only a few days. The young mother struggling with an unplanned pregnancy. Medicine seems like this hazy way that I will be able to help them...but maybe what I really want is not to manage their medical problems, but just to be present to them. Just to sit with them and help them make some kind of meaning out of their suffering. Just to help them glimpse the face of God through the thinning veil between this world and the next.
I can come up with a thousand reasons why I don't have a vocation to religious life. I suppose there's only one good one why I would - only if He calls me.
Even so...the novelty of it all is fading, after only a few hours. Sometimes my classmates' enthusiasm for all this stuff bugs me, but that's just because I can't summon up the same enthusiasm. I don't really want to be learning about cardiac physiology. I hate to be negative, but it takes monumental effort to feign interest in what I'd rather not be doing.
I feel drawn to be with people in the hard times of life...the elderly patient dying of cancer. The parents of a child who will live only a few days. The young mother struggling with an unplanned pregnancy. Medicine seems like this hazy way that I will be able to help them...but maybe what I really want is not to manage their medical problems, but just to be present to them. Just to sit with them and help them make some kind of meaning out of their suffering. Just to help them glimpse the face of God through the thinning veil between this world and the next.
I can come up with a thousand reasons why I don't have a vocation to religious life. I suppose there's only one good one why I would - only if He calls me.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Lord, I have no idea where I am going...
Thomas Merton knew what he was talking about when he wrote those words...
Lord, I have no idea where I am going. I am at the end of my fall break, about to start my first "real" block of medical school. I had a really great week - drove out to DC to see R., got to have brunch with C., went up to Philly and visited with CC, J and B, met the new JV's, had lunch with H...then hung out with some med school folks, baked a delicious apple pie, started on that puzzle I rather impulsively purchased earlier this year...interesting bioethics classes...Society Dean's dinner last night, pancake breakfast at Ronald McDonald House this morning. Did some cleaning...tried to do anatomy reading but was very confused...went to Holy Rosary and tried to have a Holy Hour (You know how that went, Lord)...drove around a little aimlessly looking for baking supplies for N.'s birthday...
There's a new Switchfoot song I've been hearing on the radio. I am restless, I am restless, I am restless, looking for You...
They say that a sign of a religious vocation is being happy, but with a restless feeling that only God can satisfy.
I just never know if I'm actually happy or not. I am very sensitive to that restless feeling. To me, happiness is peace and joy, inner stillness and exultation, love overflowing. Anything less I don't call happiness. I call it fine. I call it functioning. There can be momentary enjoyment, of course. Times of laughter with friends. Pleasure and satisfaction at baking something yummy. Interest in reading something intellectually stimulating. Maybe that's happiness according to the world. Or maybe I just ask for too much, have impossible standards. But when You offer us such joy, Lord, how can we ask for anything less?
When are the times that I have been happiest since moving here?
Talking to R. about Your love. Sending her those songs. Mass. Communion. Talking to C. about discernment.
When are the times that I was happiest before moving here?
Some moments in the shelter...holiday parties, doctors' nights...times when I was falling in love with You. Crazy times filled with purpose...NGL weekends, Saturday afternoon Masses after the vigil and brunch, Sacred Heart Devotions...
I don't want the happiness that this world has to offer. I don't want satisfaction with professional achievement. I don't want to find pleasure in how I look or how I perform in school or whether I match with a good residency program.
I would like to pour myself out in love. To a spouse, to children, to my parents and sisters, to my friends, to the poor, to the despairing, to the unbelieving...and to You, Lord. Always and everywhere to You.
I do yearn for beautiful liturgy, true sacrifice, true worship. I do yearn to see You face to face.
I think part of why it is so hard to leave my family is that I'm not sure how fully they believe in You. That's terrible to say, isn't it? I want to believe that I'll see them in the next life, Lord. You will lead them to You, won't You? They taught me this faith...I owe so much to them. How could I leave them for a community that would allow me to see them only one week each year? How could I leave them to teach other people's children, and miss out on the births and childhoods of my any kids my sisters might have? How could I love and care for elderly sisters in the community and not be there to care for my own parents as they age?
It always seems like the most beautiful communities are those that demand the most sacrifice. But maybe it cannot be any other way.
Lord, I have no idea where I am going. I am at the end of my fall break, about to start my first "real" block of medical school. I had a really great week - drove out to DC to see R., got to have brunch with C., went up to Philly and visited with CC, J and B, met the new JV's, had lunch with H...then hung out with some med school folks, baked a delicious apple pie, started on that puzzle I rather impulsively purchased earlier this year...interesting bioethics classes...Society Dean's dinner last night, pancake breakfast at Ronald McDonald House this morning. Did some cleaning...tried to do anatomy reading but was very confused...went to Holy Rosary and tried to have a Holy Hour (You know how that went, Lord)...drove around a little aimlessly looking for baking supplies for N.'s birthday...
There's a new Switchfoot song I've been hearing on the radio. I am restless, I am restless, I am restless, looking for You...
They say that a sign of a religious vocation is being happy, but with a restless feeling that only God can satisfy.
I just never know if I'm actually happy or not. I am very sensitive to that restless feeling. To me, happiness is peace and joy, inner stillness and exultation, love overflowing. Anything less I don't call happiness. I call it fine. I call it functioning. There can be momentary enjoyment, of course. Times of laughter with friends. Pleasure and satisfaction at baking something yummy. Interest in reading something intellectually stimulating. Maybe that's happiness according to the world. Or maybe I just ask for too much, have impossible standards. But when You offer us such joy, Lord, how can we ask for anything less?
When are the times that I have been happiest since moving here?
Talking to R. about Your love. Sending her those songs. Mass. Communion. Talking to C. about discernment.
When are the times that I was happiest before moving here?
Some moments in the shelter...holiday parties, doctors' nights...times when I was falling in love with You. Crazy times filled with purpose...NGL weekends, Saturday afternoon Masses after the vigil and brunch, Sacred Heart Devotions...
I don't want the happiness that this world has to offer. I don't want satisfaction with professional achievement. I don't want to find pleasure in how I look or how I perform in school or whether I match with a good residency program.
I would like to pour myself out in love. To a spouse, to children, to my parents and sisters, to my friends, to the poor, to the despairing, to the unbelieving...and to You, Lord. Always and everywhere to You.
I do yearn for beautiful liturgy, true sacrifice, true worship. I do yearn to see You face to face.
I think part of why it is so hard to leave my family is that I'm not sure how fully they believe in You. That's terrible to say, isn't it? I want to believe that I'll see them in the next life, Lord. You will lead them to You, won't You? They taught me this faith...I owe so much to them. How could I leave them for a community that would allow me to see them only one week each year? How could I leave them to teach other people's children, and miss out on the births and childhoods of my any kids my sisters might have? How could I love and care for elderly sisters in the community and not be there to care for my own parents as they age?
It always seems like the most beautiful communities are those that demand the most sacrifice. But maybe it cannot be any other way.
Friday, September 16, 2011
T.G.I.F.B.
Thank goodness it's fall break!!
Today I officially completed my the first block of medical school. Goodbye to bench work and basic science! Now's it's onto organ blocks, physical diagnosis, primary care clinics and all that good stuff. First, however, we have a week off to recuperate and gear up for what will surely be a more challenging (and hectic) fall semester.
Research presentations wrapped up around 11:45 this morning, leaving me just enough time to make it to 12:15 Mass. I almost didn't go, however, feeling more drawn to the thought of lunch and a cup of real coffee (darn that decaf they managed to sneak in this morning!) I was pretty sure that both would make me happier than going to Mass. But as I was driving home, it dawned on me - we don't go to Mass to make ourselves happy (even though that may be a pleasant side effect). We go to bear witness to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, to re-present His sacrifice, and to be blessed beyond all telling by His true and lasting presence in the Eucharist. We go because of Him. And that little reminder gave me a deep-seated joy that even my caffeine-withdrawal headache could not disturb.
After Mass I came home and, despite my good intentions of searching Amazon for next semester's textbooks, spent about three hours reading a wonderful blog, Blossoming Joy, written by a Catholic wife and mother. Praise be to God for people living their vocations with such wholehearted joy and sacrifice!
The afternoon's activities have left me feeling sufficiently refreshed (food and coffee also helped), so I feel that I can be rather ambitious about my plans for my week off. Proposed events include:
Today I officially completed my the first block of medical school. Goodbye to bench work and basic science! Now's it's onto organ blocks, physical diagnosis, primary care clinics and all that good stuff. First, however, we have a week off to recuperate and gear up for what will surely be a more challenging (and hectic) fall semester.
Research presentations wrapped up around 11:45 this morning, leaving me just enough time to make it to 12:15 Mass. I almost didn't go, however, feeling more drawn to the thought of lunch and a cup of real coffee (darn that decaf they managed to sneak in this morning!) I was pretty sure that both would make me happier than going to Mass. But as I was driving home, it dawned on me - we don't go to Mass to make ourselves happy (even though that may be a pleasant side effect). We go to bear witness to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, to re-present His sacrifice, and to be blessed beyond all telling by His true and lasting presence in the Eucharist. We go because of Him. And that little reminder gave me a deep-seated joy that even my caffeine-withdrawal headache could not disturb.
After Mass I came home and, despite my good intentions of searching Amazon for next semester's textbooks, spent about three hours reading a wonderful blog, Blossoming Joy, written by a Catholic wife and mother. Praise be to God for people living their vocations with such wholehearted joy and sacrifice!
The afternoon's activities have left me feeling sufficiently refreshed (food and coffee also helped), so I feel that I can be rather ambitious about my plans for my week off. Proposed events include:
- Visiting friends back East Saturday-Monday. Hopefully the 8-hour drive will go quickly with some good Catholic audiobooks (yet to be downloaded)
- Coming back for Bioethics class on Tuesday and Thursday night (medical school might have break, but the graduate school is on a slightly different schedule)
- This particular endeavor is one that I need to keep in prayer...bioethics from a secular viewpoint can be challenging to digest at times. And the rather consistent liberal slant to the lectures and discussions can be frustrating to sit through (not to mention the occasional side comment or joke about religion...especially Catholicism. But that is another topic for another time.) But regardless - I do believe that understanding this culture's approach to bioethics is necessary if I am indeed called to be a physician. I can't navigate what I don't understand, and having insight into the intellectual, social, political, legal, (etc) aspects of secular bioethics will hopefully, with God's grace, allow me to be a more effective witness to the Gospel, and maybe find common ground with those whom I may be practicing alongside.
- Getting ready for next block! Buying textbooks and physical diagnosis equipment (tuning forks and reflex hammer), and possibly a few items of fall-appropriate professional clothes
- Apple-picking and apple pie-making.
- Finishing up assessments and starting a draft of my Formative Portfolio for the summer block.
- Sleeping. Lots of sleeping.
Hm, maybe that's not all that ambitious. But sleeping is going to take up a lot of time.
There are lots of good things coming up in the next month or so, aside from school. This year's 40 Days for Life campaign starts September 28, and I'm hoping to carve out some time in my schedule to participate. God willing, I may also be able to attend a Come & See retreat with the Religious Sisters of Mercy of Alma, MI in October. Maybe we'll also be able to get the Catholic graduate/professional student group more active. Then there's volunteering in the children's hospital, helping out at the Free Clinic, getting the OB/GYN interest group started...
Busy, busy. Anyway, right now I'm off to a delightful little happy hour with some classmates, and then must do laundry/pack for the weekend. Blessings abound. The greatest of which, of course, is Jesus Christ, the Word by Whom the Father spoke the universe into being...the Lamb Who purchased our salvation by His blood...the King of Kings Who should be King of all our hearts.
Piety is off-putting, I know. But sometimes it just has to be said :-)
+Pax Christi
Sophia
Monday, September 12, 2011
Heart of Jesus, I trust in You
Isn't God amazing?
I was feeling so discouraged today after school - tired and sad and feeling like I had made all of the wrong choices and let my pride get in the way of following God's will for me. It's been kind of a common theme lately. I'm doing my best (most of the time...) to put on a cheerful face and live a faith-filled life now - since now is where I can meet God. But it's still hard sometimes when I feel like I should be somewhere else.
Anyway, I finally got myself out of the house and to the grocery store, with plans to make some baked goods for the lab I spent my summer research block in. As I was driving to the store, I felt such a deep longing for Christ - such a deep longing to sit with Him in the Blessed Sacrament. And I thought what I've heard so many times - that our deep longings for God are reflections of His deep, deep longings for us. To think that the longing I feel is one-millionth of what Christ feels for the entire human race! So much so that He suffered and died on the Cross, all so that we might know the great love and mercy of the Father.
And as I was walking through the aisles, picking up my eggs and my flour and my confectioner's sugar, I all of a sudden started thinking about the Sacred Heart of Jesus - crowned with thorns, engulfed in flames, burning for all eternity with love for us - for me and for you. What a striking and beautiful image - terrifying in its wonder. And I just had to whisper - Heart of Jesus, I trust in You. I could only remember fragments of the Litany of the Sacred Heart, so I just kept repeating - Heart of Jesus, crowned with thorns, I trust in You. Heart of Jesus, pierced for our iniquities, have mercy on us. Heart of Jesus, Beloved of the Father, I trust in You. It isn't really the Litany, I know, but it was all I could say.
I came back to the car and thanked God for the great gift of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, burning with love for us, yearning to be united with each and every human soul. Yearning to bring each and every one of us into the fullness of life in the Trinity!
I still lose hope very easily. I still forget that God is always with me - that Jesus always loves me and is always longing for me to be His. But even when I forget, He gives me these tiny little moments, these brushes with an eternal love that I can scarcely fathom...
Please, Lord, do not let me forget in my weakness Your bountiful love and mercy. I am so weak, Jesus - I am trying to be stronger, but I am still so weak. Thank You for showing me my weakness, and how greatly I need You. I know I still have so much further to go along that road of humility - truly, I am scarcely begun.
+Pax Christi
Sophia
I was feeling so discouraged today after school - tired and sad and feeling like I had made all of the wrong choices and let my pride get in the way of following God's will for me. It's been kind of a common theme lately. I'm doing my best (most of the time...) to put on a cheerful face and live a faith-filled life now - since now is where I can meet God. But it's still hard sometimes when I feel like I should be somewhere else.
Anyway, I finally got myself out of the house and to the grocery store, with plans to make some baked goods for the lab I spent my summer research block in. As I was driving to the store, I felt such a deep longing for Christ - such a deep longing to sit with Him in the Blessed Sacrament. And I thought what I've heard so many times - that our deep longings for God are reflections of His deep, deep longings for us. To think that the longing I feel is one-millionth of what Christ feels for the entire human race! So much so that He suffered and died on the Cross, all so that we might know the great love and mercy of the Father.
And as I was walking through the aisles, picking up my eggs and my flour and my confectioner's sugar, I all of a sudden started thinking about the Sacred Heart of Jesus - crowned with thorns, engulfed in flames, burning for all eternity with love for us - for me and for you. What a striking and beautiful image - terrifying in its wonder. And I just had to whisper - Heart of Jesus, I trust in You. I could only remember fragments of the Litany of the Sacred Heart, so I just kept repeating - Heart of Jesus, crowned with thorns, I trust in You. Heart of Jesus, pierced for our iniquities, have mercy on us. Heart of Jesus, Beloved of the Father, I trust in You. It isn't really the Litany, I know, but it was all I could say.
I came back to the car and thanked God for the great gift of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, burning with love for us, yearning to be united with each and every human soul. Yearning to bring each and every one of us into the fullness of life in the Trinity!
I still lose hope very easily. I still forget that God is always with me - that Jesus always loves me and is always longing for me to be His. But even when I forget, He gives me these tiny little moments, these brushes with an eternal love that I can scarcely fathom...
Please, Lord, do not let me forget in my weakness Your bountiful love and mercy. I am so weak, Jesus - I am trying to be stronger, but I am still so weak. Thank You for showing me my weakness, and how greatly I need You. I know I still have so much further to go along that road of humility - truly, I am scarcely begun.
+Pax Christi
Sophia
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The Kingdom of Heaven is like...
Yesterday I made a Holy Hour for the first time in far too long. Between moving to a new city and starting medical school, my prayer life has suffered. Every Sunday when I go to Mass, I find myself realizing how much I miss the Lord - how much I wish I had devoted more time to Him during the week. So yesterday, I finally managed to get myself down to the church before the Vigil Mass to spend some time with the Blessed Sacrament.
How good our God is! How marvelous a gift we have in the Blessed Sacrament, and in the Church. It was so very wonderful to rest in the arms of Christ for even a little while. Even though I had been away for so long, He welcomed me back unreservedly.
I brought with me a small book of Mother Theresa's writings that a friend of mine gave me when I first started discerning religious life. I opened it to the section on 'Love' and read:
What we need is to love without getting tired. How does a lamp burn? Through the continuous input of small drops of oil. What are these drops of oil in our lamps? They are the small things of daily life: faithfulness, small words of kindness, a thought for others, our way of being silent, of looking, of speaking, and of acting. Do not look for Jesus away from yourselves. He is not out there; He is in you. Keep your lamp burning, and you will recognize Him.*
Those words brought to my mind the parable of the virgins** who waited with their lamps outside of the Bridegroom's chamber. And I thought - Lord, that is who I want to be! A virgin waiting outside Your chamber, with my lamp lit by tiny drops of love for You. Waiting with my sisters until that great wedding feast, when we shall have no need for lamps, "for the Lord God shall give [us] light" (Rev 22:5, NAB).
I am easily drawn into despair - one of my greatest weaknesses, I suppose. It's so easy for me to think that I am wasting my life, wasting the great gift that God has given me, because I am not yet in religious life. But Mother Theresa's words are a good reminder that we all carry lamps for the Lord, and even now I can fill my lamp with the oil of love.
+Pax Christi
Sophia
*Mother Theresa, No Greater Love, p.22. Edited by Becky Benenate and Joseph Durepos. New World Library, 2001.
**The Parable of the Ten Virgins (Matthew 25:1-13, NAB)
Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones, when taking their lamps, brought no oil with them, but the wise brought flasks of oil with their lamps. Since the bridegroom was long delayed, they all became drowsy and fell asleep. At midnight, there was a cry, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ But the wise ones replied, ‘No, for there may not be enough for us and you. Go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’ While they went off to buy it, the bridegroom came and those who were ready went into the wedding feast with him. Then the door was locked. Afterwards the other virgins came and said, ‘Lord, Lord, open the door for us!’ But he said in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, I do not know you.’ Therefore, stay awake, for you know neither the day nor the hour.
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