Lord, I have no idea where I am going...

Thomas Merton knew what he was talking about when he wrote those words...

Lord, I have no idea where I am going. I am at the end of my fall break, about to start my first "real" block of medical school. I had a really great week - drove out to DC to see R., got to have brunch with C., went up to Philly and visited with CC, J and B, met the new JV's, had lunch with H...then hung out with some med school folks, baked a delicious apple pie, started on that puzzle I rather impulsively purchased earlier this year...interesting bioethics classes...Society Dean's dinner last night, pancake breakfast at Ronald McDonald House this morning. Did some cleaning...tried to do anatomy reading but was very confused...went to Holy Rosary and tried to have a Holy Hour (You know how that went, Lord)...drove around a little aimlessly looking for baking supplies for N.'s birthday...

There's a new Switchfoot song I've been hearing on the radio. I am restless, I am restless, I am restless, looking for You...

They say that a sign of a religious vocation is being happy, but with a restless feeling that only God can satisfy.

I just never know if I'm actually happy or not. I am very sensitive to that restless feeling. To me, happiness is peace and joy, inner stillness and exultation, love overflowing. Anything less I don't call happiness. I call it fine. I call it functioning. There can be momentary enjoyment, of course. Times of laughter with friends. Pleasure and satisfaction at baking something yummy. Interest in reading something intellectually stimulating. Maybe that's happiness according to the world. Or maybe I just ask for too much, have impossible standards. But when You offer us such joy, Lord, how can we ask for anything less?

When are the times that I have been happiest since moving here?

Talking to R. about Your love. Sending her those songs. Mass. Communion. Talking to C. about discernment.

When are the times that I was happiest before moving here?

Some moments in the shelter...holiday parties, doctors' nights...times when I was falling in love with You. Crazy times filled with purpose...NGL weekends, Saturday afternoon Masses after the vigil and brunch, Sacred Heart Devotions...

I don't want the happiness that this world has to offer. I don't want satisfaction with professional achievement. I don't want to find pleasure in how I look or how I perform in school or whether I match with a good residency program.

I would like to pour myself out in love. To a spouse, to children, to my parents and sisters, to my friends, to the poor, to the despairing, to the unbelieving...and to You, Lord. Always and everywhere to You.

I do yearn for beautiful liturgy, true sacrifice, true worship. I do yearn to see You face to face.

I think part of why it is so hard to leave my family is that I'm not sure how fully they believe in You. That's terrible to say, isn't it? I want to believe that I'll see them in the next life, Lord. You will lead them to You, won't You? They taught me this faith...I owe so much to them. How could I leave them for a community that would allow me to see them only one week each year? How could I leave them to teach other people's children, and miss out on the births and childhoods of my any kids my sisters might have? How could I love and care for elderly sisters in the community and not be there to care for my own parents as they age?

It always seems like the most beautiful communities are those that demand the most sacrifice. But maybe it cannot be any other way.