We Are One Body

+Praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever.

There are times when I feel such love for the Church that I don't know why I ever left.

I just spent my Saturday night on clean-up duty for the annual priest appreciation dinner held at the parish I've been attending. Now as a medical student, I have a pretty lame social life - so I wasn't passing up anything besides anatomy reading. But even so, I'd rather spend a Saturday night in the heart of the Church than in a bar or a club, or even in my own house watching old episodes of Frasier on Netflix (the source of so many, many wasted hours in my life...)

I don't know exactly what it is about tonight that made me so happy. Part of it was seeing so many priests from all over the diocese gathered together for a night that was solely to say thank you for their lives of service. Part of it was the joy so evident in the parishioners staffing the kitchen. Part of it, maybe, was the home-cooked Italian food we got to help ourselves to... ;-)

More than anything else, though, I think it's just the feeling of dwelling deep in the heart of the Church - of belonging to a Body that is made up of mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers - of being connected to other people in a way that nothing else in this world can offer.

One of the reasons I am drawn to the RSMs is their great love for the Church. They strive to live as daughters of the Church in every aspect of their lives, and use all of their gifts - personal, professional, and spiritual - to serve her. When I am with them, I feel so deeply rooted in the Body of Christ.

As I was driving over to the dinner tonight, I was thinking about this video clip of Sr. Mara, RSM, speaking with such love for priests:

What it's all about

Currently at the airport, waiting to board my flight home for Thanksgiving. One of my classmates generously gave me and two others a ride to the airport after class today. It got me here about 5 hours early, but at least it got me here! As we were driving here, I was realizing how blessed I am to have so many good things in my life here at school. This is something I wanted when I was younger - science, medicine, and research.

Yet - what I've always wanted more is You, Lord. Science was just a way to know You - just a way to ask Your creation the questions I wanted to ask You. (A beautiful moment in Physical Diagnosis class this week reminded me of that -  What's the uvula for? one of my classmates asks in the middle of the head and neck exam. Our facilitator shrugs and says with a smile, When we get to Heaven, we'll have to ask)

Sometimes it gives me pause, realizing how blessed I am here. A great school. A great Newman Center. A great parish. If these things are so good, how can the Lord be calling me to something else? I've always thought that the only reason to leave someplace was because there was something wrong there. When I was younger and felt unhappy with my life, I used to concoct all sorts of plans to go elsewhere...find a new major, a new school, a new job. I always thought that getting away and starting new would make everything better. But what I'm doing now is fundamentally different. I'm not running away from anything...I'm freely choosing to sacrifice one good thing for something better. What freedom there is in that! It's all because of You, Jesus. Nothing I do means anything without You.

Even so, doubts and temptations come in many forms right now. One little thought about what my family might say to this decision and I spiral into a sea of doubt. Suddenly I'm sure that this is all a mistake. One little disdainful comment from a classmate about the Church's teachings about contraception and I spiral into a sea of despair. Suddenly I'm sure that we are fighting a losing battle against this culture.

Lord Jesus, please protect me from my weakness. Please make up what is lacking in me. Blessed Mother, please wrap me in your mantle - please show me how to empty myself that I might be filled with grace. Please show me how to become a bride for your Son!

When I am feeling particularly weak, I listen to this song and remember that in my weakness, He is strong. None of this vocation is about me - all of it about Him.

Retreat

+ Praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever.

This week I am making the "Busy Student Retreat" at school. Four days of spiritual direction and four nights of common prayer. Confession on Wednesday. Thank You, Lord, for this time to be alone with You in the midst of busyness.

The campus minister read this poem at the end of our closing prayer tonight, which I love:

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life... 

So I know the poem is maybe about "loving your true self", but it always makes me think of Christ. Because Christ is the One Who has loved me all my life. He is the One in Whom my true self is found. He is the One Who offers me His very Self in bread and wine, and who invites me to give Him back my heart, which has always been His, even when I wandered in darkness.

The question I am praying with during this retreat is how to live out the next nine months in faithfulness to the Lord and to my vocation. How to live with a spirit of joyful anticipation and prayerful preparation. How to prepare the wedding chest I will take with me to Alma - how to fill it with humility and devotion and love for the Lord. How to minister to those here with me now - my classmates, my professors, my patients, my friends. How to love my family more and more, and to let them struggle with this decision. How to trust in the One Who will be my Spouse (oh Lord - how utterly unworthy I am of that) that nothing is wasted, and nothing can keep us from His love.

Not even my own pride and selfishness could keep me away, Jesus. Your love is too powerful for that. You have won my heart - I wish to be Yours for all eternity.

A little more real

So today I open up my email, and there is a message from Mother MP, with postulant information forms! Immediate joy and excitement shot through my body. It's only been a week of waiting, but somehow it seems so much longer ;)

Oh, Jesus, but fear and weakness overtake me. Who am I to be considering this? What, even, is it that I'm considering? It all seems so unreal.

Everything at school is about the next step. There are emails about summer research assignments and registering for my next bioethics class. Meetings about residency applications. Studying for boards. Talking about When We Are Doctors.

Jesus, I know that I cannot do this without You. I am so afraid that this is all me. That this is all some crazy thing I've made up in my head. Me? Be a sister?

But Mother said that the Sisters felt that I was called there. And what I felt from You there, Jesus - it is goodness beyond words.

My practical side is kicking in, of course, hoping to compensate. I filled out what I could of the forms. Need to schedule a physical and eye exam. Get baptismal records, etc. All those recommendations. Arrange for a psych consult. Gather all the things I'll need to take with me. Have that conversation with my family...

Aaaand in the meantime, stay afloat in school. Live in the present moment. Bless the Lord.

Remember sitting with the postulants at lunch. They're just regular girls like me. They did all of this - surely I can too.

Impatience

So this is crazy, yes? I haven't even received a reply yet from Mother Mary Patricia, and I made myself a Countdown Clock for August 1, 2012. Only 272 days to go...

Lord, may Your will be done.

This is still a good place, and these are still good people. Please help me to remember that I made the choice to come to medical school. Regardless of my reasons, it was still my choice. I still have a commitment to my classmates and professors for the rest of this year.

Lord, please help me to live out the little virtues, that I might serve You in small things each and every day. Teach me humility, kindness, simplicity, patience, trust, gentleness, courtesy, and forbearance.

While I'm Waiting

I sent my letter to Mother Mary Patricia yesterday morning, dropped it off in the mailbox at the corner of Cedar. And now there is waiting. Waiting for her reply and the postulant information packet, for the list of what I will need to bring with me. But also, waiting for August. There is an entire school year to get through - 9 months of days and nights, of doubts and temptations. I know the Sisters are praying for me, and that helps. Please, Jesus, keep me close to You.

But while I'm waiting, Lord, I wish to serve You. I wish to bless Your Name with every fiber of my being. I wish to praise You for all that You have done for me, to be a light here and now, to love those whom You have given me to love.

When I first started discerning religious life (April/May 2009, far too soon after my reversion to the Church), I kept an online journal on a Christian website. I just remembered it in the past week or so, as I was getting ready to speak with Mother Mary Patricia. It's so strange, funny, embarrassing, humbling, to read through those old journal entries, to see my record of the path that God has led me on these past two and a half years.

And oh, what a long and winding road it has been! Only the Lord could have led me out of the wilderness I was lost in then - that wilderness of secular politics, postmodern ideologies, identity crises, hedonism and despair. Only He could have reclaimed the truth of who He created me to be out of all the darkness of our fallen world.

I thought I needed to have all the answers right away...and discernment quickly became just another part of my post-college identity crisis, just another way that I was trying to figure out that all important thing, What To Do With My Life. I should have been listening for Your voice, Jesus - but I hardly knew You. I could only hear You faintly, what with the cacophony of other voices ringing in my ears. Yet even in that poor beginning I was making, You were leading me home to You.

Something I wrote on May 3, 2009, in a brief moment of clarity:

What I felt last night, Lord - that sense of needing to give up control in my life to You; to let go of my best laid plans, of my attachments to praise and honors, to academic achievement and proofs of intelligence; to the empty charades of my self-definition - that, Lord, I cannot turn my face from.

But if I need more time before I can enter religious life - if I need more time to know You and Your Church, to put down my pride and my intellect and my doubts and my preconceptions, to put down mind and will - it is alright, because this path is leading me to You.

And I can still try, Lord, to put down the things that keep me from You, even while living as I am in the world. I can try to put down pride, and seek education because it will help me to minister to Your people, not for my own praise or honor or self-satisfaction. I can try to put down control, and seek the counsel of others with more wisdom than I; seek spiritual direction; let Your Spirit guide my feet, rather than my own plans and goals and desires. I can try to put down selfishness and fear, and live to serve others and to seek You.

I can try, Lord, to start giving my life to You; to start making my life a witness to Your Truth and Light. A light shines in the darkness, Lord, and the darkness has not overcome it. But we must be light for the world and salt for the earth. We are Your only hands here on Earth, Lord. We are Your only feet. We must be Your beating heart, Sacred and overflowing with Love for all the world, for all Your glorious Creation. 

What can I give You, Lord, besides my life?

It's still true...what can I give You, Lord, besides my life?

Thank You for reminding me of my weakness, my brokenness, my utter helplessness without You. I am still filled with pride, still like to believe that I can do things all on my own. But what I felt in Alma, Lord, was the truth that I have done nothing to deserve the great gift of this vocation. I am not called because I am oh so spiritual or intuitive or kind or compassionate or so in touch with You (all those things I have believed of myself, Lord). No! I am called only by Your grace. I am saved only by Your grace. I have life and love only by Your grace. I trust that You will continue to teach me this truth, Lord Jesus.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Blessed be Your Name!

Lord, You are so good. I am overwhelmed and exhausted right now, but so happy and excited. Please give me the words to speak, to tell all that You have done for me to lead me to this moment.

And please Lord, above all else, let Your will be done.

Worries and fears

Oh my Jesus, please be with me. Please send Your Spirit to guide me. I cannot do this without You - there is no reason to my doing this without You, because You are the reason.

Sitting in my kitchen, warming water and mixing apple sauce to make bread, waiting for 7:30 to roll around...

Lord, I am afraid of so many things.

I am afraid to leave medical school early - whether it is after one semester or two. I am afraid of what my professors and advisers will think. I am afraid to leave my classmates with one less person in the class. We are supposed to be in this 5 year journey together. I am afraid to tell my family. I am afraid to give up Christmas and Thanksgiving with them.

So many fears about what I would be leaving behind...but Lord, please, remind me of what I am leaving it all behind for.

Come, follow Me.


None of it makes any sense without You, the eternal Bridegroom, staring back at me from the monstrance. Loving me into life.

I do not want to live my life in fear. I want to live boldly, joyfully, courageously for You. I want to give my entire being to You - my entire self, body and soul.

I ran so far...will You take me back again?

Wholly Yours

Oh my Jesus, You are so good to me. You pour out so many blessings upon me. One of the novices says at dinner - "He's a romantic" - and it is so true. All weekend You sent me signs of Your love for me. You have done such great things for me, Lord - such things that I am not worthy of. Truly, You have prepared the way. Only You could work such wonders. Only Your hand could have led me to this moment.

I spent the weekend on retreat with the RSMs in Alma, MI. There is too much to tell about the weekend. So many, many, many graces! And the slowly dawning realization of what the Lord has worked in these past six months. I feel such peace and certainty that this is the vocation He has chosen for me. This is the life He wishes for me - not only now, but for all eternity! I feel so certain, Lord - this is not my will, but Yours. This is not about what good work I can do in the world - this is about eternity with You. This is the plan You have laid out for me from the moment You conceived me in my mother's womb, from the moment You gave me life.

And Sister Catherine Marie says to ask the Lord when He is calling me to enter - because the postulant entrance is usually August 1, but there have been sisters who have entered at other times. It is all up to You, Jesus. I will go when You ask me to go.

Tonight I was supposed to have a phone call with Mother Mary Patricia, the postulant formator, but she was in a meeting with someone and asked me to call her tomorrow evening. And that is the sort of thing that should be sending me into a spiral of anxiety and despair. But I called out to You, Jesus, and You gave me peace and a reminder of Your love for me. You are in charge here, Jesus. You are building the house.

So I will call again tomorrow, and we shall see.

Ora et labora

Day by day, this place becomes my monastery. And I strive to mark each day with prayers and sacrifice. I will smile at everyone, especially Jesus. I will be obedient to my superiors, and especially to the Lord. I will be kind and loving, compassionate and gentle. I will treat everyone as Christ.

Forgive me Lord – I become short with others when I should be kind. I just get so tired of running into opposition about abortion and contraception, so tired of being told that I can’t tell other people what to do, when that isn't at all my intention. You said the world will hate us because of Your Name, and that we must pray for those who persecute us. I try to pray for everyone I see, Lord. But You know my heart, and the extent of my pride and sin. You see the grudges that stick to the insides of my soul.  

Teach me, Lord, to still my mind and slow my breath. Teach me to hold my tongue and speak the truth in love. Teach me to smile when I'd rather sit in stony silence, to do my part when I'd rather be alone. Teach me to offer all my sorrow to You, to immolate myself in the fire of Your Sacred Heart, that nothing in me might cause anyone to stumble.

This is a school of prayer and work, of service and study. And day by day, Lord, You are showing me that You meant what You said - You are with me always. And nothing can separate me from Your love.

A school of love

Thomas Merton wrote, paraphrasing from some other saint I'm sure, that a monastery is a school of love. But for those of us outside of cloistered walls, the whole world must be a school of love.

9 am on a Monday morning and I am standing above the body of a man who less than 48 hours ago was dying in a hospital bed on one of the clinic's floors. A lateral incision through the chest wall reveals diaphragm and pericardium, esophagus and lungs. I crowd with my classmates to one side and peer into the cavern opened up before us, nodding my head in time to the discussion of trauma surgeries and aortic clamps. This is a school of anatomy and physiology, biochemistry and histology...the threads run together in my mind, reminding me of how much I do not know.

But his skin is pink and marked by the faded ink of old tattoos. And when the surgical cloths slip for just a moment so that I catch a glimpse of thinning gray hair at the base of his skull, I know suddenly that this too is a school of love.

This is my body, given for you. Given that you might learn. Given that you might one day heal.

And so I offer thanks, through lips as mute as his. May his soul rest in peace, Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him.

Being realistic

So the ND's are out for me. Thank You, Jesus, for the swift and kind response from the Vocation Director - it helps to know what is and is not a true possibility. I am most restless when I imagine that there are so many other places I could be rather than here.

1 day down...5 years to go

So, I've made it through my first day of "real" medical school. Started off with Anatomy lab at 8 am. Saw some prosections of the thoracic cavity and held some pig hearts (Lord, You are amazing...how truly fearfully and wonderfully each one of our bodies in made). Then PBL with a case on congestive heart failure. Then back home by 12:15! A truly welcome change from the summer months.

Even so...the novelty of it all is fading, after only a few hours. Sometimes my classmates' enthusiasm for all this stuff bugs me, but that's just because I can't summon up the same enthusiasm. I don't really want to be learning about cardiac physiology. I hate to be negative, but it takes monumental effort to feign interest in what I'd rather not be doing.

I feel drawn to be with people in the hard times of life...the elderly patient dying of cancer. The parents of a child who will live only a few days. The young mother struggling with an unplanned pregnancy. Medicine seems like this hazy way that I will be able to help them...but maybe what I really want is not to manage their medical problems, but just to be present to them. Just to sit with them and help them make some kind of meaning out of their suffering. Just to help them glimpse the face of God through the thinning veil between this world and the next.

I can come up with a thousand reasons why I don't have a vocation to religious life. I suppose there's only one good one why I would - only if He calls me.

Lord, I have no idea where I am going...

Thomas Merton knew what he was talking about when he wrote those words...

Lord, I have no idea where I am going. I am at the end of my fall break, about to start my first "real" block of medical school. I had a really great week - drove out to DC to see R., got to have brunch with C., went up to Philly and visited with CC, J and B, met the new JV's, had lunch with H...then hung out with some med school folks, baked a delicious apple pie, started on that puzzle I rather impulsively purchased earlier this year...interesting bioethics classes...Society Dean's dinner last night, pancake breakfast at Ronald McDonald House this morning. Did some cleaning...tried to do anatomy reading but was very confused...went to Holy Rosary and tried to have a Holy Hour (You know how that went, Lord)...drove around a little aimlessly looking for baking supplies for N.'s birthday...

There's a new Switchfoot song I've been hearing on the radio. I am restless, I am restless, I am restless, looking for You...

They say that a sign of a religious vocation is being happy, but with a restless feeling that only God can satisfy.

I just never know if I'm actually happy or not. I am very sensitive to that restless feeling. To me, happiness is peace and joy, inner stillness and exultation, love overflowing. Anything less I don't call happiness. I call it fine. I call it functioning. There can be momentary enjoyment, of course. Times of laughter with friends. Pleasure and satisfaction at baking something yummy. Interest in reading something intellectually stimulating. Maybe that's happiness according to the world. Or maybe I just ask for too much, have impossible standards. But when You offer us such joy, Lord, how can we ask for anything less?

When are the times that I have been happiest since moving here?

Talking to R. about Your love. Sending her those songs. Mass. Communion. Talking to C. about discernment.

When are the times that I was happiest before moving here?

Some moments in the shelter...holiday parties, doctors' nights...times when I was falling in love with You. Crazy times filled with purpose...NGL weekends, Saturday afternoon Masses after the vigil and brunch, Sacred Heart Devotions...

I don't want the happiness that this world has to offer. I don't want satisfaction with professional achievement. I don't want to find pleasure in how I look or how I perform in school or whether I match with a good residency program.

I would like to pour myself out in love. To a spouse, to children, to my parents and sisters, to my friends, to the poor, to the despairing, to the unbelieving...and to You, Lord. Always and everywhere to You.

I do yearn for beautiful liturgy, true sacrifice, true worship. I do yearn to see You face to face.

I think part of why it is so hard to leave my family is that I'm not sure how fully they believe in You. That's terrible to say, isn't it? I want to believe that I'll see them in the next life, Lord. You will lead them to You, won't You? They taught me this faith...I owe so much to them. How could I leave them for a community that would allow me to see them only one week each year? How could I leave them to teach other people's children, and miss out on the births and childhoods of my any kids my sisters might have? How could I love and care for elderly sisters in the community and not be there to care for my own parents as they age?

It always seems like the most beautiful communities are those that demand the most sacrifice. But maybe it cannot be any other way.

T.G.I.F.B.

Thank goodness it's fall break!!

Today I officially completed my the first block of medical school. Goodbye to bench work and basic science! Now's it's onto organ blocks, physical diagnosis, primary care clinics and all that good stuff. First, however, we have a week off to recuperate and gear up for what will surely be a more challenging (and hectic) fall semester.

Research presentations wrapped up around 11:45 this morning, leaving me just enough time to make it to 12:15 Mass. I almost didn't go, however, feeling more drawn to the thought of lunch and a cup of real coffee (darn that decaf they managed to sneak in this morning!) I was pretty sure that both would make me happier than going to Mass. But as I was driving home, it dawned on me - we don't go to Mass to make ourselves happy (even though that may be a pleasant side effect). We go to bear witness to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, to re-present His sacrifice, and to be blessed beyond all telling by His true and lasting presence in the Eucharist. We go because of Him. And that little reminder gave me a deep-seated joy that even my caffeine-withdrawal headache could not disturb.

After Mass I came home and, despite my good intentions of searching Amazon for next semester's textbooks, spent about three hours reading a wonderful blog, Blossoming Joy, written by a Catholic wife and mother. Praise be to God for people living their vocations with such wholehearted joy and sacrifice!

The afternoon's activities have left me feeling sufficiently refreshed (food and coffee also helped), so I feel that I can be rather ambitious about my plans for my week off. Proposed events include:

• Visiting friends back East Saturday-Monday. Hopefully the 8-hour drive will go quickly with some good Catholic audiobooks (yet to be downloaded)
• Coming back for Bioethics class on Tuesday and Thursday night (medical school might have break, but the graduate school is on a slightly different schedule)
• This particular endeavor is one that I need to keep in prayer...bioethics from a secular viewpoint can be challenging to digest at times. And the rather consistent liberal slant to the lectures and discussions can be frustrating to sit through (not to mention the occasional side comment or joke about religion...especially Catholicism. But that is another topic for another time.) But regardless - I do believe that understanding this culture's approach to bioethics is necessary if I am indeed called to be a physician. I can't navigate what I don't understand, and having insight into the intellectual, social, political, legal, (etc) aspects of secular bioethics will hopefully, with God's grace, allow me to be a more effective witness to the Gospel, and maybe find common ground with those whom I may be practicing alongside.
• Getting ready for next block! Buying textbooks and physical diagnosis equipment (tuning forks and reflex hammer), and possibly a few items of fall-appropriate professional clothes
• Apple-picking and apple pie-making.
• Finishing up assessments and starting a draft of my Formative Portfolio for the summer block.
• Sleeping. Lots of sleeping.

Hm, maybe that's not all that ambitious. But sleeping is going to take up a lot of time.

There are lots of good things coming up in the next month or so, aside from school. This year's 40 Days for Life campaign starts September 28, and I'm hoping to carve out some time in my schedule to participate. God willing, I may also be able to attend a Come & See retreat with the Religious Sisters of Mercy of Alma, MI in October. Maybe we'll also be able to get the Catholic graduate/professional student group more active. Then there's volunteering in the children's hospital, helping out at the Free Clinic, getting the OB/GYN interest group started...

Busy, busy. Anyway, right now I'm off to a delightful little happy hour with some classmates, and then must do laundry/pack for the weekend. Blessings abound. The greatest of which, of course, is Jesus Christ, the Word by Whom the Father spoke the universe into being...the Lamb Who purchased our salvation by His blood...the King of Kings Who should be King of all our hearts.

Piety is off-putting, I know. But sometimes it just has to be said :-)

+Pax Christi

Sophia 

Heart of Jesus, I trust in You

Isn't God amazing?

I was feeling so discouraged today after school - tired and sad and feeling like I had made all of the wrong choices and let my pride get in the way of following God's will for me. It's been kind of a common theme lately. I'm doing my best (most of the time...) to put on a cheerful face and live a faith-filled life now - since now is where I can meet God. But it's still hard sometimes when I feel like I should be somewhere else.

Anyway, I finally got myself out of the house and to the grocery store, with plans to make some baked goods for the lab I spent my summer research block in. As I was driving to the store, I felt such a deep longing for Christ - such a deep longing to sit with Him in the Blessed Sacrament. And I thought what I've heard so many times - that our deep longings for God are reflections of His deep, deep longings for us. To think that the longing I feel is one-millionth of what Christ feels for the entire human race! So much so that He suffered and died on the Cross, all so that we might know the great love and mercy of the Father.

And as I was walking through the aisles, picking up my eggs and my flour and my confectioner's sugar, I all of a sudden started thinking about the Sacred Heart of Jesus - crowned with thorns, engulfed in flames, burning for all eternity with love for us - for me and for you. What a striking and beautiful image - terrifying in its wonder. And I just had to whisper - Heart of Jesus, I trust in You. I could only remember fragments of the Litany of the Sacred Heart, so I just kept repeating - Heart of Jesus, crowned with thorns, I trust in You. Heart of Jesus, pierced for our iniquities, have mercy on us. Heart of Jesus, Beloved of the Father, I trust in You. It isn't really the Litany, I know, but it was all I could say.

I came back to the car and thanked God for the great gift of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, burning with love for us, yearning to be united with each and every human soul. Yearning to bring each and every one of us into the fullness of life in the Trinity!

I still lose hope very easily. I still forget that God is always with me - that Jesus always loves me and is always longing for me to be His. But even when I forget, He gives me these tiny little moments, these brushes with an eternal love that I can scarcely fathom...

Please, Lord, do not let me forget in my weakness Your bountiful love and mercy. I am so weak, Jesus - I am trying to be stronger, but I am still so weak. Thank You for showing me my weakness, and how greatly I need You. I know I still have so much further to go along that road of humility - truly, I am scarcely begun.

+Pax Christi
Sophia

The Kingdom of Heaven is like...

Yesterday I made a Holy Hour for the first time in far too long. Between moving to a new city and starting medical school, my prayer life has suffered. Every Sunday when I go to Mass, I find myself realizing how much I miss the Lord - how much I wish I had devoted more time to Him during the week. So yesterday, I finally managed to get myself down to the church before the Vigil Mass to spend some time with the Blessed Sacrament. 

How good our God is! How marvelous a gift we have in the Blessed Sacrament, and in the Church. It was so very wonderful to rest in the arms of Christ for even a little while. Even though I had been away for so long, He welcomed me back unreservedly.

I brought with me a small book of Mother Theresa's writings that a friend of mine gave me when I first started discerning religious life. I opened it to the section on 'Love' and read:

What we need is to love without getting tired. How does a lamp burn? Through the continuous input of small drops of oil. What are these drops of oil in our lamps? They are the small things of daily life: faithfulness, small words of kindness, a thought for others, our way of being silent, of looking, of speaking, and of acting. Do not look for Jesus away from yourselves. He is not out there; He is in you. Keep your lamp burning, and you will recognize Him.*

Those words brought to my mind the parable of the virgins** who waited with their lamps outside of the Bridegroom's chamber. And I thought - Lord, that is who I want to be! A virgin waiting outside Your chamber, with my lamp lit by tiny drops of love for You. Waiting with my sisters until that great wedding feast, when we shall have no need for lamps, "for the Lord God shall give [us] light" (Rev 22:5, NAB).

I am easily drawn into despair - one of my greatest weaknesses, I suppose. It's so easy for me to think that I am wasting my life, wasting the great gift that God has given me, because I am not yet in religious life. But Mother Theresa's words are a good reminder that we all carry lamps for the Lord, and even now I can fill my lamp with the oil of love.

+Pax Christi

Sophia

*Mother Theresa, No Greater Love, p.22. Edited by Becky Benenate and Joseph Durepos. New World Library, 2001.

**The Parable of the Ten Virgins (Matthew 25:1-13, NAB) 

Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones, when taking their lamps, brought no oil with them, but the wise brought flasks of oil with their lamps. Since the bridegroom was long delayed, they all became drowsy and fell asleep. At midnight, there was a cry, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ But the wise ones replied, ‘No, for there may not be enough for us and you. Go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’ While they went off to buy it, the bridegroom came and those who were ready went into the wedding feast with him. Then the door was locked. Afterwards the other virgins came and said, ‘Lord, Lord, open the door for us!’ But he said in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, I do not know you.’ Therefore, stay awake, for you know neither the day nor the hour.