Currently at the airport, waiting to board my flight home for Thanksgiving. One of my classmates generously gave me and two others a ride to the airport after class today. It got me here about 5 hours early, but at least it got me here! As we were driving here, I was realizing how blessed I am to have so many good things in my life here at school. This is something I wanted when I was younger - science, medicine, and research.
Yet - what I've always wanted more is You, Lord. Science was just a way to know You - just a way to ask Your creation the questions I wanted to ask You. (A beautiful moment in Physical Diagnosis class this week reminded me of that - What's the uvula for? one of my classmates asks in the middle of the head and neck exam. Our facilitator shrugs and says with a smile, When we get to Heaven, we'll have to ask)
Sometimes it gives me pause, realizing how blessed I am here. A great school. A great Newman Center. A great parish. If these things are so good, how can the Lord be calling me to something else? I've always thought that the only reason to leave someplace was because there was something wrong there. When I was younger and felt unhappy with my life, I used to concoct all sorts of plans to go elsewhere...find a new major, a new school, a new job. I always thought that getting away and starting new would make everything better. But what I'm doing now is fundamentally different. I'm not running away from anything...I'm freely choosing to sacrifice one good thing for something better. What freedom there is in that! It's all because of You, Jesus. Nothing I do means anything without You.
Even so, doubts and temptations come in many forms right now. One little thought about what my family might say to this decision and I spiral into a sea of doubt. Suddenly I'm sure that this is all a mistake. One little disdainful comment from a classmate about the Church's teachings about contraception and I spiral into a sea of despair. Suddenly I'm sure that we are fighting a losing battle against this culture.
Lord Jesus, please protect me from my weakness. Please make up what is lacking in me. Blessed Mother, please wrap me in your mantle - please show me how to empty myself that I might be filled with grace. Please show me how to become a bride for your Son!
When I am feeling particularly weak, I listen to this song and remember that in my weakness, He is strong. None of this vocation is about me - all of it about Him.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Retreat
+ Praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever.
This week I am making the "Busy Student Retreat" at school. Four days of spiritual direction and four nights of common prayer. Confession on Wednesday. Thank You, Lord, for this time to be alone with You in the midst of busyness.
The campus minister read this poem at the end of our closing prayer tonight, which I love:
So I know the poem is maybe about "loving your true self", but it always makes me think of Christ. Because Christ is the One Who has loved me all my life. He is the One in Whom my true self is found. He is the One Who offers me His very Self in bread and wine, and who invites me to give Him back my heart, which has always been His, even when I wandered in darkness.
The question I am praying with during this retreat is how to live out the next nine months in faithfulness to the Lord and to my vocation. How to live with a spirit of joyful anticipation and prayerful preparation. How to prepare the wedding chest I will take with me to Alma - how to fill it with humility and devotion and love for the Lord. How to minister to those here with me now - my classmates, my professors, my patients, my friends. How to love my family more and more, and to let them struggle with this decision. How to trust in the One Who will be my Spouse (oh Lord - how utterly unworthy I am of that) that nothing is wasted, and nothing can keep us from His love.
Not even my own pride and selfishness could keep me away, Jesus. Your love is too powerful for that. You have won my heart - I wish to be Yours for all eternity.
This week I am making the "Busy Student Retreat" at school. Four days of spiritual direction and four nights of common prayer. Confession on Wednesday. Thank You, Lord, for this time to be alone with You in the midst of busyness.
The campus minister read this poem at the end of our closing prayer tonight, which I love:
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life...
So I know the poem is maybe about "loving your true self", but it always makes me think of Christ. Because Christ is the One Who has loved me all my life. He is the One in Whom my true self is found. He is the One Who offers me His very Self in bread and wine, and who invites me to give Him back my heart, which has always been His, even when I wandered in darkness.
The question I am praying with during this retreat is how to live out the next nine months in faithfulness to the Lord and to my vocation. How to live with a spirit of joyful anticipation and prayerful preparation. How to prepare the wedding chest I will take with me to Alma - how to fill it with humility and devotion and love for the Lord. How to minister to those here with me now - my classmates, my professors, my patients, my friends. How to love my family more and more, and to let them struggle with this decision. How to trust in the One Who will be my Spouse (oh Lord - how utterly unworthy I am of that) that nothing is wasted, and nothing can keep us from His love.
Not even my own pride and selfishness could keep me away, Jesus. Your love is too powerful for that. You have won my heart - I wish to be Yours for all eternity.
Monday, November 7, 2011
A little more real
So today I open up my email, and there is a message from Mother MP, with postulant information forms! Immediate joy and excitement shot through my body. It's only been a week of waiting, but somehow it seems so much longer ;)
Oh, Jesus, but fear and weakness overtake me. Who am I to be considering this? What, even, is it that I'm considering? It all seems so unreal.
Everything at school is about the next step. There are emails about summer research assignments and registering for my next bioethics class. Meetings about residency applications. Studying for boards. Talking about When We Are Doctors.
Jesus, I know that I cannot do this without You. I am so afraid that this is all me. That this is all some crazy thing I've made up in my head. Me? Be a sister?
But Mother said that the Sisters felt that I was called there. And what I felt from You there, Jesus - it is goodness beyond words.
My practical side is kicking in, of course, hoping to compensate. I filled out what I could of the forms. Need to schedule a physical and eye exam. Get baptismal records, etc. All those recommendations. Arrange for a psych consult. Gather all the things I'll need to take with me. Have that conversation with my family...
Aaaand in the meantime, stay afloat in school. Live in the present moment. Bless the Lord.
Remember sitting with the postulants at lunch. They're just regular girls like me. They did all of this - surely I can too.
Oh, Jesus, but fear and weakness overtake me. Who am I to be considering this? What, even, is it that I'm considering? It all seems so unreal.
Everything at school is about the next step. There are emails about summer research assignments and registering for my next bioethics class. Meetings about residency applications. Studying for boards. Talking about When We Are Doctors.
Jesus, I know that I cannot do this without You. I am so afraid that this is all me. That this is all some crazy thing I've made up in my head. Me? Be a sister?
But Mother said that the Sisters felt that I was called there. And what I felt from You there, Jesus - it is goodness beyond words.
My practical side is kicking in, of course, hoping to compensate. I filled out what I could of the forms. Need to schedule a physical and eye exam. Get baptismal records, etc. All those recommendations. Arrange for a psych consult. Gather all the things I'll need to take with me. Have that conversation with my family...
Aaaand in the meantime, stay afloat in school. Live in the present moment. Bless the Lord.
Remember sitting with the postulants at lunch. They're just regular girls like me. They did all of this - surely I can too.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Impatience
So this is crazy, yes? I haven't even received a reply yet from Mother Mary Patricia, and I made myself a Countdown Clock for August 1, 2012. Only 272 days to go...
Lord, may Your will be done.
This is still a good place, and these are still good people. Please help me to remember that I made the choice to come to medical school. Regardless of my reasons, it was still my choice. I still have a commitment to my classmates and professors for the rest of this year.
Lord, please help me to live out the little virtues, that I might serve You in small things each and every day. Teach me humility, kindness, simplicity, patience, trust, gentleness, courtesy, and forbearance.
Lord, may Your will be done.
This is still a good place, and these are still good people. Please help me to remember that I made the choice to come to medical school. Regardless of my reasons, it was still my choice. I still have a commitment to my classmates and professors for the rest of this year.
Lord, please help me to live out the little virtues, that I might serve You in small things each and every day. Teach me humility, kindness, simplicity, patience, trust, gentleness, courtesy, and forbearance.
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