Currently at the airport, waiting to board my flight home for Thanksgiving. One of my classmates generously gave me and two others a ride to the airport after class today. It got me here about 5 hours early, but at least it got me here! As we were driving here, I was realizing how blessed I am to have so many good things in my life here at school. This is something I wanted when I was younger - science, medicine, and research.
Yet - what I've always wanted more is You, Lord. Science was just a way to know You - just a way to ask Your creation the questions I wanted to ask You. (A beautiful moment in Physical Diagnosis class this week reminded me of that - What's the uvula for? one of my classmates asks in the middle of the head and neck exam. Our facilitator shrugs and says with a smile, When we get to Heaven, we'll have to ask)
Sometimes it gives me pause, realizing how blessed I am here. A great school. A great Newman Center. A great parish. If these things are so good, how can the Lord be calling me to something else? I've always thought that the only reason to leave someplace was because there was something wrong there. When I was younger and felt unhappy with my life, I used to concoct all sorts of plans to go elsewhere...find a new major, a new school, a new job. I always thought that getting away and starting new would make everything better. But what I'm doing now is fundamentally different. I'm not running away from anything...I'm freely choosing to sacrifice one good thing for something better. What freedom there is in that! It's all because of You, Jesus. Nothing I do means anything without You.
Even so, doubts and temptations come in many forms right now. One little thought about what my family might say to this decision and I spiral into a sea of doubt. Suddenly I'm sure that this is all a mistake. One little disdainful comment from a classmate about the Church's teachings about contraception and I spiral into a sea of despair. Suddenly I'm sure that we are fighting a losing battle against this culture.
Lord Jesus, please protect me from my weakness. Please make up what is lacking in me. Blessed Mother, please wrap me in your mantle - please show me how to empty myself that I might be filled with grace. Please show me how to become a bride for your Son!
When I am feeling particularly weak, I listen to this song and remember that in my weakness, He is strong. None of this vocation is about me - all of it about Him.
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